Tourniquet
by Cevvie
Summary: Updated: New Ending Remus feels responsible for Peter's betrayal - after all if it wasn't for him Peter wouldn't be an Animagus. Remus goes to find Peter…


**Author's notes:** An Evanescence song called 'Tourniquet' inspired this.

* * *

"_I tried to kill the pain_

_But only brought more (so much more)_

_I lay dying_

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal_

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved_

_Am I too lost?"_

- 'Tourniquet' by Evanescence.

* * *

The forest was pitch black and freezing cold. But it didn't matter, he was used to it, he almost felt at home there. He had better eye sight than any of them; they'd never find him unless they set the forest alight. He could out run them all night if he had to; he'd done plenty of running in his life from all sorts of people.

Remus shifted his wand into his left hand and gripped his bleeding side with his right. He never should have gone alone, he knew that. He'd known that from the start but somehow he felt it was his duty to put Peter Pettigrew out of his misery.

But was that really it? Was it to put Peter out of his misery or was it to put Peter out of everyone else's misery?

* * *

The decision to leave and find Peter had come almost a week ago and had taken Remus quite by surprise. It wasn't like him to go off on a vendetta, that was Sirius' trademark. But Sirius wasn't around now and whose fault was that? His.

Remus had replayed his death over and over in his mind. Trying to see if there was anything he could have done at the time. There wasn't. It was tragic but true. Nothing he could have done would have changed what happened in the end.

So Remus had to go further back, he had to find a time when he could have prevented his friend's death. He found it. His school days.

* * *

He'd been allowed into Hogwarts, even though he was a werewolf. Special arrangements had been made for him and nobody was any the wiser. Everything had been going to plan until James, Sirius and Peter found out.

Things would have been better for all concerned if they'd abandoned him and he'd been forced to leave.

But they didn't. They became closer friends. They became Animagus.

That's why it was his fault.

If they hadn't done that then Peter never would have had the opportunity to betray James. Without Remus in school James and Sirius would have become tired of Peter and discarded him. Then Sirius would have been James and Lily's secret keeper.

Even if they had remained friends and Peter had betrayed James to Voldemort without Remus' presence he wouldn't have been an Animagus. When Sirius confronted him, he would have had no escape.

Things would have been difference for sure.

* * *

So many possibilities ran through Remus' head that in the end he had come to the rushed decision that the best thing to do for everyone was to get Peter out of the way. After all he had vital information about the Weasley's that Voldemort could use against the family and against Harry.

Ah yes, Harry. Remus owed that boy so much now. He owed him a father and a Godfather.

So he had left. He tracked Peter down to a small country house and had set about his revenge.

But he had over looked one detail. Death Eaters.

* * *

There had been nearly all the leading Death Eaters at this house, along with Peter. Guarding him no less.

Remus found it amusing that Voldemort still didn't trust Peter even after he had helped his master to be reborn.

But despite all the security Remus had gotten in and up to Peter's room. Well, he was used to getting around without being seen.

* * *

Peter had been lay there, asleep and Remus was suddenly reminded of the fat little eleven year old that he, James and Sirius had taken under their wings at Hogwarts.

The memories of all the good times, all the fun came flooding back and Remus hesitated. That was a mistake.

* * *

Peter had woken with a start and stared directly at Remus but he hadn't cried out. Instead, in an unnaturally calm voice for Peter, had said.

"I expected you would come after me."

"You heard about Sirius then." It had been a statement, not a question.

"Yes." Had been the simple answer.

"We were your friends." Remus had felt the anger welling up inside him. "We trusted you, we looked out for you. And you've killed two of us."

"Perhaps soon to be three." Peter had shrugged, still with his unnaturally calm voice.

"You're going to kill me."

"Not me personally." Peter had shaken his head. "I must admit I couldn't do that, I was always rather fond of you in particular Remus."

Remus had felt the anger grow at this admission. "Fond of me, but obviously not James or Sirius or even Lily."

"No not really." Peter had answered honestly and shaken his head. "You always seemed to be genuinely kind to me. I appreciate it."

"But you're still going to kill me."

"Like I said, I couldn't and wouldn't do it personally." Peter had repeated. "But I'm sure that ultimately something I do will lead to your death Remus. And when that happens…"

Remus had shaken his head, tears had stung his eyes but he had refused to let them fall.

"It won't happen."

"Because you're going to kill me now." Peter had nodded calmly.

"I am."

"Then do it."

Remus had raised his wand and pointed it squarely at Peter's face.

"You know I remember the first words you ever said to me." Peter had simply sat and stared at him. "You said 'I'm new too, do you want to be my friend?' Ah the innocence of youth, eh Remus?"

Remus had kept his wand raised. "I haven't come to discuss the past Peter, just to correct it."

"Ah yes. If we hadn't become friends things would have been very different." Peter's gaze had become distant. "Imagine all the possibilities Remus…"

Remus had opened his mouth to speak when four Death Eaters leapt out of nowhere. Remus was surrounded.

Peter had leapt out of bed with a quite astonished look on his face when Remus' cry of pain jerked him out of his reverie.

One of the Death Eaters had attempted to use _diffindo _on him; a spell to make things split, in this case his chest. But Remus had thrown himself out of the way and the spell only caught his left side.

The flesh split open from his armpit to his hip. Remus' scream sounded like a howl.

He had ran blindly to the window and thrown himself through it.

* * *

Now he was running.

* * *

Remus felt to the ground in a heap. He couldn't move anymore. The sun was now rising just above the treetops.

"It must be about eleven o'clock." He muttered to himself. He tried to think what he'd usually be doing at this time but his mind refused to focus on anything but his present situation.

He couldn't move, his wounded side felt heavy and wet. He looked down; his blood sodden robes greeted him.

He surprisingly felt no pain from the wound, it had gone pleasantly numb; surely not a good sign. The only pain he felt was from his heart. The pain of regret and betrayal.

Remus lay his head on the grass. If this is what it was like to bleed to death, to actually die, then it wasn't too bad. Quietly in the forest; ironic really. He, as he was now, a werewolf, had been born in the forest; why not die there too?

* * *

He didn't know how long he'd been unconscious for, but considering he was still lay in the forest and not in a Death Eater dungeon, Remus counted himself lucky.

The pain was worse now. The pain of loosing all his friends in some form or another was now coupled with the searing pain of his wound.

Flesh blood was pouring from it, it seemed the wound was being magically prevented from knitting itself together.

Remus tried to peel his robes out of the wound. Pain shot through his body at such a pace he didn't care if Voldemort's minions were still looking for him. He screamed.

* * *

He must have lost consciousness again because when he came to it was dark. Remus could hear noises in the distance.

"Please let it be the Order." He prayed to himself. "Please let it be them."

Even though it was dark Remus could still see clearly. Yes, very clearly. He could clearly see the large pool of blood he lay in.

"What have I done?" He sobbed quietly to himself.

Footsteps broke into his despair and he once again prayed for a rescue party.

* * *

"Ah, you're still with us then lad?" Remus could hear a gruff voice.

He opened his eyes and was greeted by Mad Eye Moody's mutilated face.

"Thought you would never wake up. What were you thinking? Hmm?"

"I wasn't." It was a simple but true answer.

"Obviously." Snape's voice came from just out of view.

"Why Remus? Why did you not talk to us?" Oh no. It was Dumbledore.

"I'm sorry." Remus looked up at Dumbledore, the man who had given him so much. The man whose trust he had betrayed on more than one occasion.

"I know you are Remus." Dumbledore nodded. "But that still leaves my question unanswered. Why?"

"It is my fault."

"What is?"

"Everything. James and Sirius would have never been friends with Peter if it wasn't for me." Remus screwed up his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. "It's my fault he was James' friend and it's my fault he got away."

"Because he learnt to be an Animagus for you?" Dumbledore's soft voice gave nothing away.

Remus could only nod.

Dumbledore sighed. "I'm afraid these are demons you will have to battle yourself. Nothing any of us can say will change you mind. Only you can do that." Dumbledore lay a hand on Remus' shoulder. "This is most out of character for you Remus. I hope you will talk to me should you ever have the desire to see Peter again."

"I will."

"I am here for you Remus. Please try and remember that."

With this Dumbledore, Moody and Snape left Remus alone with his thoughts.

He had been so used to depending on himself and never letting others get too close that he had forgotten Dumbledore knew him. Probably better than he knew himself.

Remus sat alone in the dark. Alone, but not truly alone.


End file.
